oh the places you'll go beautiful boy {2015}

It barely feels like last week that this little man of mine was starting preschool. Last September on that first day I felt like an emotional wreck. I was devastated to be missing out on such a big part of his day, I was so worried he would hurt in some way when I wasn't there, I had so many concerns about his relationship with his sister changing when they couldn't be together all the time, about his relationship with me changing too. I was a bag of nerves when he walked in that first day. I wanted him to learn, to make friends, to be cared for by the teachers, but mostly to be happy... if I had to be away from him, I needed it to be for a really good reason.

I painted on a big, excited smile; deposited my first born happily at preschool, and then blubbed embarrassingly after I left. I sobbed outside in the street like a child. My husband had to drive home because I couldn't stop enough to see.

Preschool was a big step for us. From always being with me all the time, to five sessions a week at preschool was a huge change. But one we knew was important. On the first days when I found it so hard (and he took it all in his stride) I kept reminding myself that it was important to get him ready for school. We were raising a bright little spark, but for him to flourish in a classroom, he needed to be emotionally and socially ready to learn, and that wasn't something I could teach him from home. That was something he needed to learn in a setting with his peers. And learn he did. He came on leaps and bounds at preschool; socially, emotionally and academically. He learned how to make his own friends and learned so much about all the skills that you need to get on in a classroom; skills about sharing and waiting and listening, about negotiation and autonomy. And all too quickly he was graduating from preschool and ready for the next thing.

I foolishly thought that his amazing year at preschool, and the way he thrived here would make big school easier. For him, I'm sure that it has. With his positive attitude and smart brain he probably could have started big school last September without too much issue. But I still feel like I'm ripping off a plaster all over again as I send him to big school. Because last September was the rehearsal, and this is the real deal. Instead of five sessions this will be five days. And this is for keeps. He'll be trotting into school just like he did this morning, every term time day until he's finished primary school in seven years time. And then it's secondary school... college... university someday.

Today is the beginning of something that I can't hold back any more effectively than I could hold back a tide. I know that he's been growing ever since he was born... but suddenly the speed with which that happens has been brought into sharp focus.

And today is the day. The day he has counted down to ever since his school place was allocated back in the spring. From asking how many months, to how many weeks, to how many sleeps... he has been so excited as this big day has approached. 

I painted on that big, brave, I'm-so-excited-for-you smile again this morning, because I really am excited for him to start this adventure. He looked instantly more grown up as he put on his uniform this morning. It was like he aged a year in the time it took to don a pair of grey trousers. But then as we walked up to the school, he suddenly seemed very small again. As we watched the bigger kids run into the playground in their matching uniforms it seemed insane to me that I could possibly be dropping off my tiny baby at school. And then after anxiously waiting outside for a little while with the other parents and children, catching up about school holidays and talking about how all the kids were feeling; the school doors were opened... and he was gone! I managed to stop him for just long enough for a kiss and to wish him a lovely time and he was through the doors at warp speed, ready to start life at school just like he's been counting down to for so long.

I was proud, of course I was. Not everyone's children went in so happily. And I would obviously rather have him be confident and excited about school, than nervous and anxious. But I completely did not feel ready for him to just be gone like that... so fast. Just like that we crossed a special milestone and it happened so quickly I barely had time to register it.

We say it all the time as parents that the time flies, that the days are long but the years are short, it's a complete cliche... but a popular one for a reason. Nothing has sped up the years the way having children has for me. And while I can't imagine life without my kids now, and honestly struggle to remember what our lives were like before they came a long and filled our days with noise and smiles and cuddles and so much happiness... it also feels like it all just happened. 

Our beautiful boy may be four and half but he still feels so new to me. Last night when Rich and I went to bed, we lingered a little longer over our little man as we checked on him. Children always seem to become babies again when they are asleep, but when he's asleep his little pout has the exact same profile that he's always had... since all the way back to his scans when he's was our little Dollop. We both looked at him and as I whispered "it feels like he was just born" I think it really hit us both how fast he's grown. 

He is so so SO ready for school, and I have no doubts whatsoever that he's going to love it. I just hope they are ready for him, because he's going to want to learn all they have to teach him, and more.

Rock it beautiful boy, just like we know you can.

Show the world how amazing you are, how kind you are, how clever you are.

And make us proud... just like you always do!

You can read his "oh the places you'll go" post from last September here. I can't believe how much older he looks.