being ready

"We creep a little bit closer to being ready for this little bubba each day. I remember with my previous two, how in the last few weeks I'd wander into the nursery just to ponder what was ahead. I would open drawers full of tiny little clothes all freshly washed and neatly folded. I would arrange and rearrange soft toys. I would stare at those teeny newborn nappies and try to picture the little person who would wear them. And this time is no different (except her bedroom is my bedroom) and I love taking that little bit of time to bond and dream and think about the bomb of love that is about to go off in our lives."

As of this weekend, we are basically ready now. As ready as we'll ever be for a new baby anyway. She has drawers full of little clothes, we have plenty of nappies and baby wipes, we basically have the name picked out (although I'm not sure I'll be 100% on that until she is actually here.) We are ready. We are counting down the days and knowing it could be any time now really. And I don't know if it's just the fact that it feels like an era is about to close, or if it's just hormones, or if it's just part and parcel of the last weeks of pregnancy... but I feel in this weird and confusing kind of place.

I wrote last time around about that question of being ready for the baby to come. It feels funny reading it back this time around, because this time feels so different. I'm definitely more chilled, less anxious, more excited. Last time I was excited to meet our second child but more than a little worried about the affect it would have on our little boy... worries that proved to be needless, but he was our entire world at the time and it was so hard to grasp that we could possibly love another child in the same way. And as such, as much as I was ready to not be pregnant any longer, I didn't really want the end to come, and that special time of just me and my little man to be over. 

Of course this time around I do still have a little bit of that feeling. Our days as a four are nearly numbered, and that's something I'm still not entirely sure I've fully got my head around. But we've already done the sibling thing. Our children can't remember a time when they weren't a sibling. And I know that love doesn't divide, it grows. I will love this baby just as much as my other two; I'll love her differently... because I know that I love my existing children differently... because they are different... and thats okay, because I love them equally.

I would say this has been my most chilled out pregnancy. I think that from an emotional perspective, while I have been far more tearful and generally a bit crazy at times with this baby, I haven't had anywhere near the worries and mummy anxieties of the previous ones. First time around you are so full of excitement, but also more than a little terrified because you really are entering into an unknown. Second time around you know how amazing the prize at the end is, but its also still pretty scary because you have an existing child to worry about and the idea of juggling two children and spreading out your love seems impossible. 

Third time around I feel a lot more confident. I know that we know how to care for a newborn. I know that the love grows when you add to your family and you don't love anybody less because there is a new person to love too. I know that any boat rocking that happens is completely outweighed by the awesomeness of the sibling your children get. I know that sleepless nights and breastfeeding troubles and nappy rash and teething don't last forever. I know that my children are already used to sharing me. I know that we'll juggle all the things we have to in life; because thats what you do. Honestly, having three children doesn't scare me... maybe it should?!?!?

My overwhelming feeling is just excitement. I want to get started on life as a five now, and meet this little wriggle pants that I feel like I already know. I want to see what she looks like; whether she'll look like any of us, or all of us, or totally different entirely. I want to find out what her temperament is like; whether she is going to be calm or crazy, smiley or serious, needy or chilled out. I want to share her with the rest of my family now. I want to see my Mr snuggling his newest daughter in that way that only daddy's can; where they somehow both seem to fragile. I want to see my beautiful boy with the baby sister he has been counting down the days for. I want to see my beautiful girl become a big sister and the mini-mummy I know she'll want to be. I desperately want those first moments together as five. And we don't really have too much longer to wait now...!