"As I put this little one into her dance uniform she shouted 'Look Mummy, I so pretty now.'
It made me want to cry
... yes baby, you're pretty, but it's not the dress that's doing that.
It will never be the dress.
It's you. You and only you my wonderful little lady. Perfect in every way, inside and out.
(Sometimes bringing up a girl seems like such a big responsibility...!)"
I posted the photo and my ramblings to my Instagram feed yesterday morning. What I didn't say is that I was actually a little shaky while I typed it, and that I had a big lump in my throat. The significance of what we do each day; as we raise these little people up to be the amazing adults we hope they'll be; it catches you sometimes. In a random word or a simple action, we see how important this job is. And how incredibly easily we can screw it up.
I'm not sure why what she said got to me so much. But the fact that it's still playing on my mind 24 hours later, and the fact that I felt a little weepy about it again last night, shows that it really got under my skin.
Now, I know... she's two! I know that she didn't really understand the implication of the 'now' on the end of her sentence. But I understood it's implications, and it knocked me sideways. The implication being that she hadn't been pretty before. Of course, I know that for her, that 'now' was probably a throw away word, a new collection of sounds that she was trying out, and which kind of sounded right to her in that context. But it just made me think of the times ahead where that 'now' might not be an accident, and may be very much intended.
I think we are all very aware that we are raising our children in a crazy world. A world which expects children to grow up far too fast. A world which likes to put people into little boxes of 'best fit'. A world that values the aesthetically pleasing. A world that I know will make both of my children question themselves as they grow up. And that is a really tough pill to swallow when all you can see when you look at your children is all the wonderful and beautiful things that make them who they are.
This little miss of mine is happy and bright and brave, she is strong-willed and independent, she is affectionate and loving, she has fire in her belly, she has a cheeky twinkle in her eye, she is a delicate little fairy one minute and then a rough and ready tomboy the next. A big walking bundle of contradictions. And I absolutely adore her just the way she is; with her nutty nature and her amazing spirit. And I want her to always be like that; fearless, funny and with the biggest smile on her face.
I call my children beautiful regularly... multiple times a day in fact. And their pseudonym's on these very pages are 'beautiful boy' and 'beautiful girl'... but I hope that no one ever thinks I mean that in the physical sense of the word. I, of course, think my children are beautiful, but when I call them 'beautiful' I mean it every sense of the word. I mean beautiful inside and out. I mean that everything that makes them 'them' is the most beautiful thing to me... and that yes I think they're pretty cute to look at too. But as well as calling them beautiful, I call them clever, I call them kind, I call them a hundred different pet names for the hundred different things they can be in a single day.
In my mind, my job as their mummy is to fill their hearts up so full with self esteem that they can take what the world throws at them. That they'll be able to brush off the negatives and learn from them, while taking away the positives and knowing that they are loved and amazing just as they are. But just because I think that's my job, doesn't mean that I'm a hundred percent sure how to do it... or if I even can do it.
Because one day my daughter will look in the mirror and dislike something about what she sees. Just the same way that we all do. But thinking about that day just about breaks my heart.
I am acutely aware that a lot of the pressure of raising a little girl into a happy, self aware but confident young woman, is largely going to fall to me. She will be watching me, is already watching me and learning about being a lady. I am that example.... and that is what I meant when I finished my instagram comment with a statement about it being such a big responsibility to bring up a girl. And part of the reason that I think it has been playing on my mind so much, is that I'm thinking about what that example needs to be.
I do not think that I am beautiful. Maybe some days I look okay, other days I look downright awful. But I am lucky enough to live with a man who good day or bad, nicely made up or in my scruffs, will tell me that I look beautiful. What an amazing example he is setting to our children! But when I reply with a "yeah, yeah" or "okay whatever" or "no I really don't" or even worse "but you always say that" I am setting a horrible example. I'm telling my children that I don't like the skin I am in some of the time. When actually that couldn't be further from the truth, I love what this body of mine has given me, what it does for me daily. I'm proud of it, but like a lot of the rest of the world, I'm sometimes a bit hung up on what it looks like on the outside. And the outside is such a very small part of what makes me me.
As I wrote those words yesterday to post with my tiny ballerina photo, I would have done anything to imprint them into my daughter too. If just by saying them I could make her see, then I'd say them every day...
"You're pretty, but it's not the dress that's doing that.
It will never ever EVER be the dress.
It's you.
It's ALL YOU.
You and only you my wonderful, kind, bright and beautiful little lady.
You are perfect in every way, inside and out."
It kind of reminds me of the words from The Help, where the little girl is told every day "you is kind, you is smart, you is important". It's nice to think that maybe just by repeating a mantra like this, we could help our children to know how special they are. And I guess it can't hurt to try. In fact maybe it's exactly that that I need to do. I need to tell her, all the time, and even when she doesn't want to hear it; that she's perfect just as she is... and maybe listen to it a bit myself.
I thought this was brilliant Lucy. You always seem to nail posts like this. I'm raising a boy - you are too - and I always wonder if he takes it in when I put myself down. And I used to worry that having me as his main carer meant that I might be missing things and not teaching him enough. She is beautiful, in every sense of the word. Just like her mother. xx
ReplyDeleteOh thank-you lovely. All these issues apply so equally to raising boys too, just in slightly different ways. I want both my children to be happy in their own skin. And I am sure that you are not missing anything by being him being a boy and you being his main carer, William has such a big network of loving people around him, I don't think it matters at all what gender they all are. x
DeleteI wrote a post with the same emphasis as this recently. LP does the same thing, asking to wear a dress to make her pretty etc and I just have to keep reinforcing that she is beautiful without the dresses, hair bobbles and fairy wings x
ReplyDeleteIt's quite scary how much all the 'girly stuff' seems to creep in, and how much they seem to associate it with 'pretty' from such a young age. It makes me want to run away from the entire media. x
DeleteLovely post and so true. I always say beauty starts from within. I think a mantra is a good idea. x
ReplyDeleteBeauty is absolutely about what's inside as well as outside. It's just such a shame that we live in a world that sometimes seems to value the outside beauty more than the inside one. x
DeleteI was touched by your beautiful words on instagram and twitter about bg saying this but after reading this you have now brought tears to my eyes. It's so scare raising a girl in this big bad world of pressures and whilst I agree she probably didn't know her true meaning of the "now" but I think I would have been very much the same taken back and emotional by it all. I agree the mantra that we say over and over just might help them in the future to believing their true inner and outer beauty. magazines and public pressures are there to do the opposite so it's a never ending battle but we can try our best to fight against it. Love the photo too in her dance uniform she is growing up so big so fast. But she remains both beautiful with or without her tutu for sure! Beautifully written because you are also just as beautiful with a beautiful heart and that's why it affects you this way. :) xo
ReplyDeleteOh Jenny, the whole raising a girl thin just terrifies me at times. I of course worry about the little man too, but I just think girls seems to be under such pressure and I feel sad for my little girl growing up in all this. I guess we just have to keep doing what we're doing, reminding our babies that we think everything about them is amazing, and just hope that some of it sticks. x
DeleteSo true hunny, so very true. What a beautiful post. Thank you ever so much for linking up to Share With Me. The support and sharing means alot! Big hugs. #sharewithme
DeleteSuch a beautiful post and so true. I'm raising a boy and always feel a huge responsibility to bring him up to see the inner beauty in women and not just the superficial parts that will be rammed down his throat with media pictures as he grows up. xx
ReplyDeleteThank-you. I am so aware that my little boy plays a part in all this too. And that if we want to make a change for future girls, then we need to be raising our boys right too. I think the power of the media in all this is just so scary though, and I sometimes worry whether whatever I do will ever be enough to make that change happen. x
DeleteOh what a post! I can totally relate and with 3 girls to raise I feel the pressure too. I tell my children how amazing they are all the time, I only hope they grow up to believe me x x
ReplyDeleteThat's it isn't it. We know it to be true, we just have to hope that they believe us. x
DeleteOh this is lovely. I am raising a boy so don't feel the fear in quite the same way, but he has heard the word fat and I don't like that. I don't want him to have negative connotations on body image, either about himself or to believe people of a certain weight are to be laughed at. Fab post xx
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean, I still feel some pressure with regards to body image when it comes to son, but not in that same way. I think it's easier sometimes for boys to be a bit different, whereas girls are expected to a fit a mold more. I guess we all just need to raise our children to know that it really isn't whats on the outside that matters. x
DeleteGreat post Lucy! I too am raising a boy and a girl, and try to raise them to be confident about themselves inside and out, it's so important. I already hear S say things when she looks in the mirror like "I look beautiful today" which is great in some ways, but already I notice that she says it as opposed to Freddie, as she seems to be told by others around her (who mean well) how pretty she is, how beautiful she is- often emphasising looks, which I feel a little uncomfortable about when it's said to her, and not him. I tell them what great little people they are in many other ways, plus for everytime S is told how 'beautiful' she is, I tell F is so handsome! x
ReplyDeleteI think that is DEFINITELY part of it; the way they are labelled. People are always talking to my daughter about how cute and beautiful she is, how lovely her long hair is and how pretty her clothes are. But my son is definitely not spoken to so much about his appearance. It's all about striking some balance for them I guess, yes outsides are important but so are their feelings and skills and passions. x
DeleteWhat a thought provoking post Lucy and I haven't ever really thought about it properly until I read your words, I think coming from a family where we just accepted ourselves, I haven't ever really thought about raising a girl, I have just gone with the flow. I like so many people am not particularly happy with my appearance, I think I scrub up ok sometimes but most of the time I am moaning about something- not in a depressing way just a moaning way, but I didn't really think about the implications my words might have on my girls. I have grown up in a household where I was told I was beautiful inside and out and where I have been raised to be confident- not particularly about my appearance but just about the way I feel about myself and about my place in our family and in society- I just hope I can raise my girls in the same way. xx
ReplyDeleteI think confidence is a big part of it. I, like you, am fairly confident and just brush stuff off that is negative. But our kids are growing up in a much less innocent world I think, and it's scary to think they will have to deal with negative stuff before their skin has toughened up to it. x
DeleteThis is a beautiful post if you'll excuse the pun and such a thought provoking topic and something I think about frequently with my two girls because I think there's a balance to be found somewhere in all the media hype and crazy that our girls and boys will be subjected too - far more I suspect than when we were growing up. Because just as I would hate for any of my children to grow up feeling that their whole worth is tied up in their appearance, equally I want them to know that there is a value to how they look and to have the skills to present themselves in the best possible way. I think part of external beauty is an inner confidence and that's what I want to arm them with. So I do tell them that they look very pretty if we've got all dressed up for a special occasion just as I thank them for doing something helpful or praise them for being kind to each other. I've also got a master plan to give them a proper makeup lesson for a birthday present when they're a bit older - my father was very anti make up etc so I was never taught how to do it and while I don't want to wear makeup every day I think it would be nice to know how for when you want to!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you've got a great balance and the Beautiful Girl is a very lucky girl to have a beautiful Mummy inside and out :)
I know exactly what you mean; there is definitely a balance to be struck between saying 'its what's inside that counts' but acknowledging that it's nice to look nice too. I think praise whenever and wherever it's due is a good way to go about it, for all the amazing things that our kids do. x
DeleteI know exactly what you mean, I have two girls and they break your heart every day. Lovely post.xx
ReplyDeleteIt's so tough and confusing, to find a way of letting them know that they are beautiful inside and out and that both are important. x
DeleteAww, lovely Lucy. Raising a girl ( and a boy ) is such a big responsibility. I just hope my children will grow up to love themselves and be confident in who they are,.
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly what I want too, for them to be happy and confident in their own skin. x
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