my motherhood

Ever since that all important p-word

showed up on a pregnancy test 

on that crazily exciting morning in June 2010;

I have been a mother.

And ever since that moment,

motherhood has been both my biggest weakness and my greatest strength.

Because there is nothing quite like growing a tiny human being,

and later giving birth to that tiny human being,

to make you feel like you could simultaneously take on the entire world

and also cry at the tiniest thing.

There is no doubt in my mind

that the world is a scarier place for me as a mother.

Every single sad story hits home so much more,

because this scary world is the one that I have brought my children into.

Every single tragedy seems to break my heart a little more,

because every person who is lost had a mother too,

a mother who cradled them and now misses them.

Motherhood makes me feel more deeply

and it makes my heart and soul far weaker.

Two tiny little people who couldn't seem to hurt a fly

made me this weak.

But at the same time they gave me more strength than I'd have ever thought I had.

They have allowed me to shine in a role that I always dreamed off.

Of all the credits to my name,

nothing,

... nothing

makes me prouder

than the name Mummy,

the role of mother.

In one day I might easily do a hundred different things for my children.

Dress them.

Change nappies.

Feed them.

Chase them.

Wash them.

Shout at them.

Cook for them.

Tidy up after them.

Teach them.

Cuddle them.

Dry their tears.

Play with them

... but none of those things are motherhood.

Motherhood is in the smallest of moments.

Like her jazz hands when she's excited. 

Like the way he says he loves me more than the mostest.

Like the way she strokes my face to hold me near when she's sleepy.

Like the way that he proudly says "that's my mummy" when he meets people.

Because for me, motherhood isn't the doing, it's in the witnessing.

Motherhood is a series of gifts,

gifts that I get to witness.

First smiles, first steps, first words. 

First day at school, first boyfriend or girlfriend, first broken heart.

Moving out, getting married, becoming parents themselves one day.

Some of those things I get to be right there for, 

in the thick of it, holding their hands.

Others I'll watch from the sidelines 

if I'm lucky.

But it isn't just about those milestone moments,

it's the every days in between.

The second smiles, that last a little longer than the first.

The second, third and fourth steps, that turn them into a full blown walker.

The second days of school, whether they're excited to go back or the novelty has worn off.

Maybe not as exciting as the milestones

but just as important

and still the greatest gift.

Because each day and each moment is a gift and not a certainty, 

something that becoming a mother makes you oh so aware of.

Motherhood is the hand woven fabric of every day life,

some of it boring, some of it exciting,

some of it happy, some of it scary,

but all of it linking to the next part,

and all of it beautiful.

All of it woven together with love,

knitting together their childhoods

with pride and joy.

Getting to be the mother that I am

to these two beautiful children

feels like the privilege and reward 

for every single good thing I ever did in my life.

And even then I still don't quite feel worthy.

They are, and always will be enough. 

Nothing they could do would ever make me regret the privilege of motherhood

and specifically of being their mother.

They are more than enough,

and I hope I can be enough for them.

They will never have to earn my love, 

they have it unconditionally just for being them.

And it is that love that is the biggest strength and weakness motherhood has given me.

A feeling that makes me powerful and powerless at the same time.

A huge, undefinable, all-consuming, never-ending love.