my breastfeeding journey continued

I would say that breastfeeding has been one of my biggest surprises

in parenting as a whole.

I didn't have mixed feelings about it before I had the beautiful boy,

it was more that I had no feelings about it.

I wanted to give it a go,

but I wasn't at all worried about whether I would keep it up or not.

I had no expectations,

and my breastfeeding journey with my son,

just amazed me in the best way possible.

Second time around was different

because prior experience meant I had a ton of expectations.

I still stood by every word I had thought or felt the first time around;

that a happy mummy and a happy baby were the most important bit.

I was determined, yet again, that I would not allow myself to be a martyr to it.

I had two babies to be thinking about this time around after all,

and I had no doubt that a toddler running around

was going to present a new set of challenges for breastfeeding my new baby.

But like most things about parenting

when you are doing it for the second time,

I had baggage.

And a lot of mine was tied up in breastfeeding.

My breastfeeding experience with my first born had been amazing,

and more than anything I wanted to have that again.

Late on in my second pregnancy I found myself really looking forward 

to the opportunity to breastfeed again.

I was actually really worried that I wouldn't be able to for some reason,

I had horrible dreams about it and woke up in a cold sweat;

a baby that wouldn't latch,

milk that didn't come in,

a jealous toddler who screamed whenever I fed;

these things all featured in my hormonally charged dreams.

I was also so worried that I would manage to feed,

but that for some reason I wouldn't make it as long as I did with my son,

and I foolishly though that I would be a bad mummy if I didn't make it to a year with my second baby too.

That was kind of where I left it

when I wrote my last post about my breastfeeding journey.

And that was a while ago now...

When my little lady was born, 

similarly to her brother before her,

I didn't have a kangaroo delivery (where they place the baby straight onto your tummy)

I didn't do skin to skin contact

or feed immediately.

She was probably about an hour old when I fed her the first time.

She started snuffling around rooting for food,

I offered, and just like that she had it.

No teaching needed.

No lazy latch or sleepy feeding.

She fed hungrily and enthusiastically for 10 minutes

and that was that.

The quick version of the story would be

that twelve months down the line

things haven't changed very much.

But the truth is, there have been high points and low points in this breastfeeding journey.

For the most part my little lady has been a complete pro at feeding.

Where her brother would feed for forty minutes 

and anything beyond an hour on a growth spurt,

she has always been a quick feeder;

normally around eight to ten minutes,

fifteen to twenty as a maximum

and even then it was only because she was sleepy.

Her quick feeds certainly made my worries vanish

about feeding a baby

while also caring for a todder.

But a quick feeder is not without it's unique set of worries.

There were plenty of times when I was utterly convinced that my milk supply must be low

and that my darling girl must be hungry.

Those old concerns about never being sure how much milk a breastfeed baby gets

didn't seem to have gone away in the early days.

But confidence and prior knowledge did help a bit.

During my breast feeding journey with my beautiful girl

I also started another breastfeeding journey

as I began training to become a peer supporter.

Peer support was at the foundation of the confidence I had felt

to keep on feeding beyond the newborn days with my son.

Those lovely, friendly, experienced mothers empowered me.

They normalised any concerns I had,

they answered my questions on latch, routine and weaning

and most of all, they gave me knowledge and understanding 

about the positive thing I was doing.

Cheesy as it sounds

these women who gave their time and their expertise for free

inspired me to give back.

My own experience with breastfeeding has value to other mums,

and the training to become a peer supporter gave me more information 

to offer support and help when it is needed most.

By the time I finished my training

I had a year of feeding my son under my belt

and ten months of feeding my daughter.

I felt like I truly had this breastfeeding thing down.

And then I got thrown a curve ball.

A curveball which, thankfully, I had the knowledge to identify quickly.

I began to experience pain

not during but after feeding.

Only on one side

but it was crippling.

No exaggeration it left me curled over in agony

for anything from an hour to three hours after any feed I did on my right side.

The stabbing, deep tissue pain I was experiencing,

combined with my daughter pulling back during a feed,

indicated thrush.

And knowing how tricky it can be to treat

I went straight to the doctor for treatment.

Fortunately I was listened to

and I have no doubt my new peer supporter qualification

meant that the doctor took me far more seriously

and she gave me te exact aggressive treatment I needed.

Unfortunately while the thrush was treated

the damage it had done resulted in my suffering from vasospasm.

The deep stabbing pains continued

and increase in frequency and length.

Vasospasm is a pretty rare thing to suffer with

and from what I understand of it

during feeds the blood supply to parts of breast and nipple were being reduced.

As my little lady unlatched

my skin would appear pale blue or white,

before blushing to a purple

and then back to a normal pink

as the bloody supply returned to normal.

However this sudden flow of blood would cause spasms in the blood vessels

and it was almost like the breast tissue kept cramping,

which could only be soothed by staying really still and apply heat.

Vasospasm is something which, for most mums, simply has to run its course

and fortunately we were at a point where we were only feeding morning and bedtime

so I was able to take time to be comfortable and apply heat while waiting for the spasms to subside.

In all, this low point lasted about a month.

A month which, while I was in it, seemed forever.

I have no doubt that had it not been for my recent peer support training

and the support I received from other peer supporters at that time,

that it would have been the end of our feeding journey. 

Only the knowledge, or should that be hope, that it would pass

and my own stubborn streak and determination 

to give my daughter the good start my son had,

kept me going.

At the time I was so worried it would cast an ugly shadow

over my otherwise wonderful experiences,

or that, even worse, our breastfeeding would end on a low point.

But I persevered, we got through it

and we got back to normal, pain-free feeding.

And that time feels like a small blip in the scheme of it all. 

And silver lining of that particular cloud

is that I think I'll be a better peer supporter as a result.

And now...?

Now we have passed the point that my little boy stopped at,

and are breastfeeding into the second year.

The two feeds each day seem more than manageable

and my little lady's love of cows milk

means I can pop out for the odd night out

without needing to worry about her.

She was so needy and such a milk monster in her first six months

that I never thought we'd get to this point so soon.

I genuinely thought dropping every single feed would be a fight

but actually following her lead and going with the flow has been perfect.

She dropped the mid-afternoon, then mid-morning, then lunch time feeds with ease,

later than her brother did, but happily.

As to where our journey goes from here,

I couldn't really tell you.

Part of me wonders if now would be a good time to stop;

she is at a point where she likes to feed but can take it or leave it.

And I feel that maybe although stopping would be initiated by me

now could be a seamless and potentially easier time to stop.

But the other part of me thinks maybe continuing to follow her will work better

and waiting for her to self-wean like her brother did

might be the best decision all round.

I guess time will tell.

Breastfeeding and my experiences of motherhood are pretty tightly intertwined

and I wouldn't have it any differently.

It is one of the best things that I've done as a mother

and it is something which makes me ridiculously proud. 

It was, and is, absolutely the right thing for me, my babies and my family.

It makes us happy and that's what matters.

I have been lucky.

Many mummies are not.

I know that only too well.

Breastfeeding is not a given.

It is not easy.

And it is not the best thing for every family.

But it was the best thing for mine,

and I couldn't be more grateful.