broken and better

Becoming a mother broke me, 

body, soul and heart,

but in the best way possible.

It broke me down from the person I had been before

and as I put myself back together, 

the new "mummy" me emerged

and she felt like the me I had always wanted to be.

But something that really surprised me about becoming a mama for the second time

was that this process would happen all over again.

I thought I had my mummy identity all figured out

and I did, 

as a mummy to one,

as a mummy to a one year old,

as a mummy to a boy.

But I didn't have mummy to two worked out,

I didn't have a clue how mummy to one-year old PLUS newborn would work,

and I had no idea how to be a mummy to a girl.

And so I found myself broken all over again.

Not broken in the bad way,

but in the fragile, exposed, trying to work out how to mend kind of way.

Being a mother has certainly taught me one thing for definite;

that while we may be bigger,

we may have more experience,

we may be more educated and more articulate,

the little people have all the power.

They are preprogrammed to arrive in the world and break us.

They take the perfectly put together puzzle

and they throw it in the air.

And then instead of putting it back together,

they decide to reshape the pieces,

change the picture the puzzle creates.

As we spend our days trying to carefully mold them into the best people they can be,

they are actually molding us,

teaching us,

putting us back together in a different way.

I guess I would call myself a pretty natural mother,

I'm pretty good at following my instincts

and I think those instincts do pretty well most of the time.

I have two children I'm incredibly proud of.

But as well as proud,

I'm also incredibly thankful.

I'm thankful for the job they did of breaking me

and of the amazing job they did putting me back together.

They made me the mother that I am,

the mother that they needed me to be,

with all the specific attributes that they looked for and wanted most in a mummy.

And the me that they put back together

is stronger, braver, ...better,

less concerned about what other people think,

better at prioritising the things that matter.

I still have my weaknesses of course,

one of them is a little boy with a beautiful mop of dirty blonde hair 

and the most delicious chocolatey brown eyes,

the other is a little girl with the most infectious giggle you've ever heard

and a seriously adorable twinkle in her eye.

I always wanted to be a mother,

and since becoming one I feel the most content in who I am that I've ever done.

But one thing is for sure,

I can't credit any of that change to me.

So thank-you beautiful babies of mine,

I never thought I'd be so happy to be broken.

All photography courtesy of Erin May Photography.