a second birth story - part ten

The story of the beautiful girl's birth so far is on the birth stories page.

Having started out dealing with the labour quite well,

I had gradually started to lose the plot as the pains got more intense.

Booking as high risk meant that constant monitoring

was hampering my attempts at helping myself.

I agreed to an early exam

in hopes that things were speeding ahead,

and that I was closer to active labour

and an epidural.

I was almost too terrified to let her do the exam.

I didn't think I would be able to deal with still only being 2 or 3cm,

but fortunately she did the exam,

smiled at me

and told me the good news was that she could call the anaesthesiologist.

She made the call

and wheeled in all the necessary equipment

which Lynne had prepared on a trolley in the hall.

While we waited for the anaesthesiologist to come

Laura tried again to get me in a good position to attach the monitors

but in the end she gave up.

I had heard the news I was 4cm

and promptly started zoning everything out,

I was hunched over in the one position I was half comfortable in

and I was stubbornly refusing to move.

I was ignoring the world.

I was focusing on the pains flowing through my body

and more specifically on the growing urge I had to push.

The pains were stronger

and pressure was building.

This terrified me.

I had wanted to push at 4cm the last time

and it was because the beautiful boy was back-to-back.

Hours and hours of agony followed

and he ended up having to be helped into the world.

I was so scared that this was going to happen again

and all I could do to cope

was to rock backwards and forwards

breathing and whimpering through each contraction.

The anaesthesiologist arrived at about 3.30am

and he had to talk me through the procedure he was about to perform

as well as making me aware of possible side effects and dangers.

I can honestly say that I didn't listen to a word.

All I know is that he finished every sentence with “Okay?”

to which I nodded and said “Yes”.

Laura explained that I needed to move

so that my legs were hanging off the side of the bed

and get into the correct position for the epidural to be done.

As I began to move a contraction came

and with it the unmistakable urge to push.

Which I fought against and tried to ignore.

As I got into position it happened again

and I groaned with the effort of fighting the urge.

With a serious expression Laura looked me straight in the eye again

and said “Lucy, are you pushing?”

Like a naughty school girl caught in the act of doing something I shouldn't

I said no.

I started mumbling in a panicky way

about how I had wanted to push with my little boy

and he wasn't low enough

and that I wasn't going to push

and that it was just the pain was too much.

In honesty, something felt really different,

and at the back of my head I wondered if things really were happening fast.

Something had happened

for me to get so scared and out of control all of a sudden

but while also being so incredibly focused.

The transition phase didn't cross my mind.

At this point I had one thought and one thought only,

that I needed that epidural as soon as possible

and that I couldn't possibly wait any longer.

I was terrified of hours more pain like this

and also terrified that I wouldn't get the epidural for some reason

and the idea of giving birth without it

seemed even more terrifying than the pain.

You can read the next part here.