impressions on my heart

Becoming a mother has filled my life with light,

my children are just such shining examples of perfection to me

and there is really no love in the world

like that of a mother for her children.

It fills you up with pride and wonder.

But I also find that it hurts too.

I find that the world seems scarier as a parent

and that the light which emanates from my children

only serves to highlight those darker places.

Those places around the edges of life

that we try not to focus on

but which are always there;

the fear and the anxiety.

I find myself regularly wanting to hit the pause button.

Partly because my children seem to be growing up so fast,

and that race towards being big

is one that I thought was a long distance run

while they seem intent on a sprint.

Partly because I want more time with them just as they are right now

as innocent, funny, imaginative, smiley little people.

But it is also in part because our existence is so beautiful in this moment

that the idea of the future seems beyond scary

and a possible disappointment compared to the now.

I've always been a big dreamer,

an over thinker and a bit of a worrier.

But becoming a mother has really made me feel so deeply.

I love big, with my whole heart.

And with so much beauty in my life

there just seems so much more to lose.

Ordinary everyday moments leave everlasting marks on my heart.

Like tattooed memories that will never wash away or fade with time.

My children are small, vulnerable and fragile

but at the same time so so strong.

They hold my heart completely

and have made it their own.

Without them ever asking for it

I have given them every piece of my heart and soul

and I would do anything for them.

I would do anything for those moments

when our eyes meet

and their faces break into a spontaneous smile,

of recognition and of love.

I would do anything for those moments

when I hold my beautiful boy in my arms

and he takes a deep breath

before cuddling in closer.

I would do anything for those moments

when on the cusp of sleep

my beautiful girl grips my finger tightly in her hand,

as if to say "stay just a bit longer mummy."

I would give anything for every moment

when I am a mother,

when I am with my children,

when our every days are anything but ordinary.

The idea of life without those moments absolutely paralyses me in fear.

And I'm not really sure how I will ever get away from that fear.

Will it fade? Will I learn to exist with it?

Will there come a time when I won't lie awake at night afraid?

Does there come a moment when being away from my children

doesn't feel like my heart is walking around separately from my body?

Is it normal to feel so consumed by love for my children

that the idea of anything happening to our perfect world

actually makes it hard for me to breathe?

But life rolls on.

And with it, life brings me those everyday moments.

The ones that wrap themselves around my heart

and fill me with pride and love and joy.

My children are my heartbeat.

And I stop at some point

every. single. day

and soak up what it means to be a mother to my babies.

So I will worry about enemies and dangers,
 real and imagined.
I will continue to fear,
like I'm waiting for my good luck to run out.

And I will continue to hold them close,

to breathe in their smell,

to watch them sleep,

and smile in the knowledge that they are mine.

I will spoil them completely
with all the love I have to give.

And I will fill up their hearts and mine

with everyday memories of beauty and family and love.

Because time and life are both precious.
Because they are the best things that have ever happened to me.
Because I have no choice . . .

they have written their names upon my heart

and from now on it will always be theirs.