it's always darkest before the dawn

I haven't been telling the whole truth here lately.

I haven't been lying, just keeping quiet about things.

I knew when I was pregnant with the beautiful girl 

that things would be trying at times with two under two,

I knew there would be changes and that we would all need to adapt,

I knew that it would be challenging and exhausting and tough

and that was just on the good days.

And for the last couple of weeks I will admit

I have been struggling.

But not for all the reasons I thought I might,

looking after two children wasn't the issue.

I've been finding it easy enough getting out and about

and have found ways to change our routines to fulfil both their needs.

I was just finding the beautiful girl really hard.

When you already have a baby

a big part of you assumes that that is just the way your babies are,

that all your future children will be just like the first one.

There is nothing to compare that first one to so everything is an unknown

but the second time around you have all this experience

which you think will be so helpful

but it's all experience based on the baby you already have

not on the new person you've just brought into the world.

It kills me to say it

but the beautiful girl was driving me insane.

She is just so different from the beautiful boy

and I felt out of my comfort zone, out of control and out of ideas.

I'm not sure if it's a girl thing

or a second baby thing

or just a different personality and temperament,

but I was finding her really hard work.

She just seemed so unhappy . . .

. . . and I couldn't work out what to do to make her happy . . .

. . . which made me feel like I was failing her on a daily basis . . .

. . . and also made me feel like I was failing the beautiful boy too

because he hates it when she cries.

She was hardly napping at all,

despite my best efforts,

and as a result was a screamy mess by the afternoon.

She would howl through the little man's dinner,

perk up for bath time

and then yell again out of sheer tiredness until her bedtime feed.

That is unless I was holding her and letting her suck on my little finger,

which was manageable on the days my husband was home to help at bath time,

but at least 50% of the time he isn't.

I wasn't enjoying being her mummy.

She just seemed to need more of me than I could give

and I was at a complete loss.

I hated hearing her cry

but nothing seemed to make her happy.

By this weekend I was broken.

I was tired and miserable

and starting to wonder if two children had been a colossal mistake.

I actually said the words out loud:

"I'm not sure I even like her."

You know how when things get on top of you all you can see is darkness,

and it seems never ending?

Well I had got to that point.

Weeks of dealing with what seemed like the world's most unhappy baby had taken its toll

and I needed some space and a rethink.

I left both the babies at home with their daddy

while I went out to buy some baking ingredients and have a bit of me time.

I turned the volume up really loud in the car 

and I sang my heart out without worrying about little ear drums.

I went out with just my phone and my purse,

no changing bag, toys or buggy.

It was so nice to feel free and like me.

Within an hour of leaving home I had a text from my husband.

The little man was sleeping

but the little lady was screaming the house down

and he had no idea what to do.

I fought the urge to stay away

and to say I had no idea what to do to help her either

and instead I went home.

And I walked through the door to the words

"I really don't know how you do it"

over a chorus of hysterical crying.

I scooped up my baby girl and held her

and within seconds she was calming down.

She had wanted her mummy.

Maybe, just maybe I was doing something right after all.

I love her and she needs me.

She might not be able to tell me what she wants yet

but it's my job to keep trying things until I can work it out.

I think it's easy with your second baby to be guilty of expecting more from them

and expecting it sooner.

I often forget that she is still really only a newborn

and that newborn's are unpredictable little creatures.

My little man is a super easy, dream of a kid

but it wasn't always that way.

He was far more difficult to put to bed than his sister

and he fed for far longer too.

He might not have seemed to cry as much as his sister

but then he never had to wait for my attention,

whereas sometimes she simply has to cry

because I have to look after him too.

So I decided to reassess and forget everything I thought I knew about looking after a baby from caring for her brother

and decided her to treat her like the completely new and different person that she is.

She adores being held and likes to be really warm and snuggly.

In the hospital and when we first brought her home

she was happiest when she was wrapped up in a blanket.

I had stopped wrapping her up so much

as she had got bigger 

and better at regulating her temperature and keeping herself warm.

But I decided that swaddling might be worth a go,

even though she is actually getting pretty big for swaddling.

I had always wanted to swaddle the beautiful boy

and had this precious idea in my head of a wrapped up newborn.

I even brought special huge and thin blankets to swaddle him with.

But he hated it.

He was miserable the few times I tried it

and fought constantly to get his arms free.

As a result swaddling hadn't really crossed my mind this time.

Well to say it transformed my daughter would be an understatement.

She adores being swaddled.

And the tighter the better.

She is just so content when she is all wrapped up.

She appears to have a really strong startle reflex

which was making it really hard for her to nap in the day

with a noisy big brother making a constant racket.

But she sleeps so soundly in the day now

to the extent she can stay sleeping in the middle of our lounge while he plays right near her.

She'll also happily sleep in the big cot during the day as long as she is swaddled.

In the space of a week she's gone from hardly sleeping in the day

and constantly moaning

to napping consistently and being the happiest baby ever when she's awake.

The change is remarkable.

The truth of the matter is that I'm not sure how much of that is swaddling

and how much is just a case of time passing and her growing up

or maybe even just me feeling a bit more positive about things.

I can remember getting to a point when the beautiful boy was tiny

(I think it was actually a little sooner than this time around)

where I felt completely suffocated.

Newborns are hard work

and when you are tired 

and dealing with their every whim 

its really difficult at times.

The all consuming need they have

for you to do everything for them

and be everything to them

is pretty scary.

And when they are so small it feels like it will last forever.

And last time, just as with this time,

it was at the point where I felt like I couldn't take much more

and like I was about to go under

that it suddenly got easier.

One second I was crying to my husband that I was doing a rubbish job as a mother

and the next minute I was happily jumping out of bed in the morning,

excited to spend the day with my little people.

This won't be the last time my beautiful girl and I have our challenges I'm sure.

I'm dreading her teenage years,

and I can already tell she's got a ton more attitude than her brother.

They just make us girls a lot more complicated don't they?

But I do know that I love her to pieces
and that I'd do anything to make her happy,

even while it is killing me trying to find out how,

so I guess we won't do too badly.